Excrements of the King
Excrements of the King: A Gothic-Epic Elvis Story
Act I – The Throne and the Thunder
In a foggy corner of Graceland, a rumor echoed louder than the chords of “Hound Dog”. It wasn't about blue suede shoes or heartbreak hotels, but about the porcelain sanctuary Elvis revered more than any stage — his gilded bathroom throne. Legend said it wasn't just where the King of Rock and Roll rested — it was where he released visions.
<poem> No accompaniment. No choir. Just voice. Just truth. </poem>
Dr. Sybil Greene, an eccentric Elvisologist and waste archaeologist from Oxford, unearthed a diary allegedly belonging to Elvis's personal plumber, Jasper Moon. In its yellowed pages, Jasper chronicled “visions from the porcelain prophet.” These weren’t mere ramblings — they were predictions, poetic fragments left behind in... excremental form.
Every day after Elvis’s sessions on the porcelain throne, Jasper claimed he was called to analyze the aftermath, receiving messages like:
<poem> Aloha returns, Not from Hawaii, But the cosmos. Blue moon rising. </poem>
Act II – The Gospel of the Bowl
Elvis’s loyal maid, Clora May, knew the legends well. After The King’s death in 1977, she secretly sealed away a golden urinal cake rumored to bear the outline of Jesus Presley — a divine merging of soul, sweat, and southern grit. Word spread, attracting fanatics, skeptics, and scholars to the “Holy Loo”.
Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, conspiracy theorist Rico "Red Vest" Delmonico hosted a podcast called *Elvis Lives... in the Pipes*, where he claimed Elvis flushed fragments of his soul down the commode, reincarnating through municipal water.
“Elvis once said, ‘Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t goin’ away.’ Same goes for his waste!” Rico insisted during a broadcast, wearing rhinestone-covered headphones.
Clora, overwhelmed by guilt and the cult-like attention, contacted Dr. Greene. Together, they decoded dozens of poetic bowel prophecies, cross-referencing each with global events, from the fall of the Berlin Wall to the rise of AI.
Act III – The Excremental Prophecies
Inside a sanitized vault beneath Graceland, known only to a few, lay the Archive of the Excrements. With hazmat suits and reverent hearts, Sybil and Clora extracted the final artifact: a fossilized stool encased in resin. Inscribed upon it in chili-flake runes were the words:
<poem> Memphis will shake, Not from sin, But from song. A boy with digital hips, Will rise. </poem>
The digital boy — was it an AI-Elvis? A clone? Or a metaphor for the future of music?
As Dr. Greene presented her findings at the Global Symposia of Sonic Mysticism in Zurich, doubters turned believers. Fans cried. A bishop fainted. The New York Times ran the headline: “From the King’s Rear, Comes the Future’s Muse.”
Act IV – Return of the Throne
On the anniversary of Elvis’s final bowel movement, thousands gathered at Graceland. Clora, now ordained in the Church of Rock, led a procession. Behind her rolled the golden toilet, carried on the shoulders of impersonators chanting:
“Elvis isn’t dead. He’s digesting the world.”
During the ceremony, lightning struck. The toilet glowed. And from the sewer beneath Graceland came a deep voice:
“I ain't ever left the building.”
Mass hysteria. A new global religion. Elvisphology. Pilgrimages to Graceland quadrupled. Dr. Greene became a revered prophet. Rico got his own reality show.
The toilet was declared a world heritage relic.
Act V – The Porcelain Requiem
Years passed. Clora died peacefully on the throne, smiling. Dr. Greene published *The Book of Elvis: Flushed Revelations*, now sacred scripture in 42 countries.
A hologram of Elvis sang “Suspicious Minds” every morning in the Church of the Infinite Flush.
In the end, Elvis’s final prophecy rang truest:
<poem> I gave my heart. And my guts. To the world. From Memphis, To Mars. I remain. The King. </poem>
Even in waste, he was gold.
Quiz: Test Your Knowledge
Where was the "Archive of the Excrements" located? (Beneath Graceland) (!Inside the Las Vegas Elvis Chapel) (!Under the Hollywood Walk of Fame) (!In the jungle room closet)
Who was Dr. Sybil Greene? (A British Elvisologist and waste archaeologist) (!A Vegas showgirl and part-time psychic) (!Elvis's cousin and gospel singer) (!The mayor of Tupelo)
What podcast did Rico Delmonico host? (Elvis Lives... in the Pipes) (!Graceland or Bust) (!The Blue Moon Broadcast) (!Suspicious Airwaves)
What religious artifact did Clora May preserve? (A golden urinal cake) (!Elvis's toenail clippings) (!The original jailhouse keys) (!The recipe to Elvis's banana sandwich)
What happened when the toilet was brought to the crowd? (It glowed and spoke with Elvis's voice) (!It exploded) (!It flushed gold coins) (!It sang “Don’t Be Cruel”)
What is "Elvisphology"? (A global religion centered around Elvis’s bowel prophecies) (!A fan club of Elvis impersonators) (!A medical condition affecting rock singers) (!An art movement in Nashville)
Which song did the hologram Elvis sing daily? (Suspicious Minds) (!Hound Dog) (!Love Me Tender) (!Burning Love)
What structure carried the golden toilet during the ceremony? (On impersonators’ shoulders) (!On a golden Cadillac) (!In a velvet-draped chariot) (!Inside a white limousine)
What was the final prophecy inscribed on the stool? (A boy with digital hips will rise) (!Elvis will be reborn in flesh) (!Sin will drown in peanut butter) (!Graceland will vanish)
What day did Clora die? (On the anniversary of Elvis’s final bowel movement) (!On Elvis’s birthday) (!On Christmas) (!During an eclipse)
Memory
| Jasper Moon | Elvis's plumber and chronicler |
| Golden urinal cake | Holy artifact preserved by Clora |
| Dr. Greene | Waste archaeologist and prophet |
| Rico Delmonico | Podcast host and conspiracy theorist |
| Porcelain Prophecies | Excremental poetic revelations |
Drag and Drop
| Assign the correct terms | Topic |
|---|---|
| Jasper Moon | Personal plumber to Elvis |
| Clora May | Preserved the urinal cake |
| Golden Toilet | Used in sacred procession |
| The Book of Elvis | Sacred scripture written by Greene |
| Hologram Elvis | Sings daily in the Church |
Crossword Puzzle
| Graceland | What is the name of Elvis’s famous mansion? |
| Jaspermoon | Who chronicled Elvis’s bowel movements? |
| Suspiciousminds | What song does the hologram Elvis sing daily? |
| Churchofrock | What religion formed around the toilet? |
| Elvisphology | What is the study and worship of Elvis’s excremental visions called? |
| Goldenrelic | What did the golden toilet become? |
Learning control
- Symbolism: Explain how Elvis's bathroom is used as a metaphor in the story.
- Modern Mythmaking: How does the story turn mundane acts into spiritual prophecy?
- Fan Culture: Analyze how obsession shapes reality in fan-based societies.
- Religious Iconography: Compare the toilet procession to historical religious rituals.
- Elvis's Legacy: Reflect on what this parody reveals about cultural memory.